Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
