dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize