I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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