friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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