sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
