Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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