and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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