he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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