Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
