I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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