I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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