guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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