remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
