I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
