I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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