The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
