Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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