when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
