I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
