I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
