You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
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