Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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