My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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