Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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