'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
