you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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