Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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