Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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