How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Oh god it's open bar.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize