you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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