im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
