Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
