i already hear my dad disowning me
its not stalking. its research.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
