its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
