I wish I could punch you in the face.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
