Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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