I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
