Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
