Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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