dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
