A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize