now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
