Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i think my cat just said my name.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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