When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
