Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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