Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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