so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just found a bag of teeth...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
