I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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