You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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