I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
