from now on my penis is your penis
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
