I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
