kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
