I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
