Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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