I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, beer. Big fan.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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