I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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