If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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