i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
