arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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