remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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