can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
