my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
