dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
