and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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